Grief & Loss
Anticipatory Grief: Grieving Someone Who Is Still Here
You do the crossword aloud by her bed, and some afternoons she still knows the answers. Anticipatory grief is grieving someone who is still here. Below are free things that help, and two recordings that give a carer a quiet, repeatable time to rest. Neither is about anticipatory grief itself.
If you have had thoughts of not wanting to be here, please talk to someone tonight.Caring for someone who is dying can bring those thoughts too. They deserve a person, not a recording.
- Lifeline: 13 11 14, or text 0477 13 11 14, 24/7. Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467.
- In immediate danger, call 000.
- MensLine Australia: 1300 78 99 78, and 13YARN: 13 92 76 for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people. Both 24/7.
- Griefline, now part of SANE Australia: 1300 845 745, Monday to Friday, 10am to 8pm AEST/AEDT; not a crisis line. Online forums 24/7 for anyone 18 and over.
- Grief Australia: 1800 642 066. Free counselling for Victorians. No crisis service.
- If the feelings are intense and have lasted more than a few weeks, healthdirect’s advice is to speak to your doctor. That goes for carers’ own health too.
Written by Ernest McLeodClinical hypnotherapist. An Adelaide practice, seeing clients across Australia by video. Fourteen years in practice. About Ernest →
I earn a commission if you buy either of the two carer sessions listed lower down. It doesn’t change what you pay or what I recommend, and everything above them is free.
What does anticipatory grief look like?
healthdirect describes it as grief you feel before a loss actually happens. It can look like crying in the car after a visit, missing someone’s old self while you help them eat, or picturing the funeral and feeling awful for it. With dementia, you may feel the person you knew is already gone, even though they are still physically there.
healthdirect adds two things worth reading twice. It “doesn’t mean you have given up on the person or that you don’t care for them.” And it “doesn’t necessarily mean that you will grieve your loved one any less after they are gone.”
A 2017 review of 29 studies of families near the end of life found that for most family carers it is “a highly stressful and ambivalent experience”: hope and dread in the same afternoon, while the person still needs care and the family has to keep functioning, which often means holding grief in. A 2014 review of 49 papers on dementia carers linked this grief before death with depression and a heavier sense of burden, and noted that the idea still lacks a settled definition.
Is there a recording for anticipatory grief?
No. The publisher whose recordings this site sells makes no session about grieving before a death. The nearest are two recordings about the strain of caring, Caring for the Terminally Ill and Parent With Dementia. Each is a guided relaxation of just under half an hour, and each is about the carer’s day-to-day load, not about grief.
Is a recording a lesser thing than seeing someone in person? The largest recent review of hypnosis for pain (Yim and Derbyshire, 2026) compared how it was delivered and found no meaningful difference between a live clinician, a recording and self-hypnosis. That research was on pain, not on grief or caring, but it’s the best evidence there is that a recording isn’t a second-rate version of sitting in a room with someone.
What either one gives you is time: about half an hour lying still with a calm voice steering, at an hour you can protect, that isn’t about medication rounds or the next appointment.
Is anticipatory grief harder than grief?
The research behind this page doesn’t rank one against the other, and they aren’t in competition. What the research does show is that grieving in advance doesn’t use grief up. People with heavy grief before a death tend to have a harder time afterwards, not an easier one. That makes now the time to get support, rather than the time to tough it out.
A 2016 review of studies of carers of terminally ill adults put it plainly: the assumption that “grief work before the loss would alleviate bereavement outcome was not confirmed.” A Danish study then followed 2,215 bereaved carers from across the country. At the six-month follow-up, 7.6% reported complicated grief. Severe grief before the death went with about 3.8 times the odds of complicated grief or depression afterwards.
The other half of the finding is kinder. Carers who felt prepared for the death did better, and low preparedness went with more depression afterwards. Preparedness isn’t the same as grieving early. It is knowing what is likely to happen, and what you will do when it does.
How long does anticipatory grief last?
As long as the illness does, which can mean weeks or years. With dementia it can stretch across a long decline, arriving in pieces as each ability goes. There is no normal length and no schedule to keep. healthdirect’s advice is to speak to your doctor if you are struggling with intense feelings that last longer than a few weeks.
And afterwards? In a study of 217 family carers of people with dementia, depressive symptoms fell within three months of the death, and within a year were substantially lower than while they had been caring. 72% said the death was a relief to them, and more than 90% believed it was a relief to the person who died. Relief after a long illness is common. It isn’t a betrayal, and it doesn’t mean you loved them less.
The same authors drew one conclusion that matters for today: support services “were needed most before the patient’s death.”
Why is anticipatory grief so painful?
Because you are grieving and caring at the same time, for the same person. You can be hoping for a good week and dreading the phone call in the same hour, and there is rarely room to show it, because the person needs you functional. The losses stack up quietly too, as plans, roles and conversations go one by one.
Many carers also feel they aren’t entitled to grieve yet, because nobody has died. That silence is part of the weight. The grief section of this site has more on grief that others don’t see.
What helps, and costs nothing?
Four things drawn from the research on carers above. None asks you to grieve on a schedule. The second is the one a recording suits, so either session below is a good place to practise it; the rest need a phone, a calendar and one honest conversation.
- Ask what to expect, so you are less ambushed
Preparedness is the finding with the clearest upside. Ask the treating team what the coming weeks or months are likely to bring, what changes to watch for, and who to call at night. Write the answers down; you won’t remember them in the corridor.
- Take time off from it, on purpose
The Dual Process Model, one widely used model of grief, counts respite as part of coping, not a sign of caring less. Twenty minutes most days that aren’t about the illness: a walk, a bath, lying still with headphones on.
- Book your own GP appointment
healthdirect’s self-care list applies to carers first: regular exercise, healthy food, enough sleep, alcohol drunk responsibly. Tell your GP you are caring for someone, and for how long. Carers’ distress in the dementia study was highest while they were caring.
- Keep one or two people in the loop
A 2026 review of seven studies of dementia carers found loneliness tended to get worse after the death, and that a social network in place beforehand was protective. One friend who gets a weekly update is a network. Griefline’s online forums are open 24/7 for anyone 18 and over.
Which recordings are for carers?
Two, and I want to be exact about them. Neither is about anticipatory grief. Both are about the day-to-day strain of looking after someone who is ill. Each is US$18.95, about A$27, an instant MP3 with the publisher’s 90-day refund on singles, and neither has a preview. The publisher’s grief sessions for after a death are on the grief page.
Caring for the Terminally Ill
For looking after someone who is dying. The publisher frames it around calm and energy for the carer. It is about the caring, not about grief.
Parent With Dementia
For the strain of caring for a mum or dad whose personality is fading. The closest in spirit to this page, and still framed by the publisher as carer stress, not grief.
What has and hasn’t been studied
Searches of PubMed and Europe PMC run on 25 September 2026, pairing hypnosis with grief and bereavement, found no study of hypnosis for grief before a death. The only randomised trial of hypnosis for grief of any kind is Çınaroğlu and colleagues (2026): 39 university students in Turkey with symptoms of prolonged grief after a loss, given in-person Ericksonian hypnotherapy, CBT, or a place on a waiting list. Both therapies did better than waiting.
That trial had about 13 people to a group, a waiting list rather than an equally attentive comparison, and a therapist rather than a recording, and it hasn’t been repeated by an independent group. The full paper is paywalled, so its effect sizes couldn’t be checked. No hypnosis recording has been tested for grief, before or after a death, and I have no trial of hypnosis for carer strain to point you to.
Who is this wrong for?
If any of these is you, start with a person rather than a recording: your GP, or one of the numbers at the top of this page. For everyone else, one rule applies to both sessions. Never listen while driving, including the drive home from the hospital.
- Anyone who has had thoughts of not wanting to be here.
- A carer whose low mood or intense distress has lasted more than a few weeks.
- Anyone hoping a recording will get the grieving done early. It doesn’t work that way.
- Anyone looking for something to play to the person who is ill. Both sessions are for the carer.
If tonight is hard, the lines below are open now.
Free and confidential, open now. Tap to call.
Common questions about anticipatory grief
What is anticipatory grief?
Grief you feel before a loss happens, usually when someone you love is dying or has dementia. healthdirect describes feeling that the person you knew is already gone while they are still physically there. It doesn’t mean you have given up on them, and it doesn’t mean you will grieve any less afterwards.
Does grieving before a death make it easier afterwards?
Not as a rule. A 2016 review found the idea that grieving in advance softens bereavement was not confirmed, and a Danish study of 2,215 bereaved carers found severe grief before the death went with about 3.8 times the odds of complicated grief or depression afterwards. Feeling prepared for the death went with doing better.
Is it normal to feel relief when someone dies after a long illness?
Yes, very. In a study of 217 family carers of people with dementia, 72% said the death was a relief to them, and more than 90% believed it was a relief to the person who died. Their depressive symptoms fell within three months. Relief is not a betrayal, and it sits alongside grief rather than replacing it.
Are there stages of anticipatory grief?
Not in any reliable sense. The famous five stages came from observations of dying patients, and a 2017 review by bereavement researchers found no sound scientific basis for them. A review of studies of families near the end of life described anticipatory grief through recurring themes, among them hope, distress and ambivalence, rather than steps in order.
Can hypnosis help with anticipatory grief?
A recording can give a carer a guided, repeatable time to rest, which one widely used model of grief counts as part of coping. Hypnosis for anticipatory grief has not been studied, and no recording has been tested for grief of any kind. The two carer recordings here are about the strain of caring, not grief.
When should a carer see a GP?
healthdirect suggests speaking to your doctor if intense feelings last longer than a few weeks. It is also worth going before that, simply as a carer, to keep an eye on your own sleep, meals and health while you look after theirs. If you have thought about not wanting to be here, ring Lifeline on 13 11 14 tonight.
Where these numbers come from
- healthdirect Australia. Grief before death: understanding anticipatory grief [Internet]. Canberra: Australian Government; 2024 [cited 2026 Sep 25]. healthdirect.gov.au
- Coelho A, Barbosa A. Family anticipatory grief: an integrative literature review. Am J Hosp Palliat Care. 2017;34(8):774-85. doi:10.1177/1049909116647960
- Lindauer A, Harvath TA. Pre-death grief in the context of dementia caregiving: a concept analysis. J Adv Nurs. 2014;70(10):2196-207. doi:10.1111/jan.12411
- Yim TH, Derbyshire SWG. A systematic review of hypnosis for clinical pain relief. Eur J Pain. 2026;30(8):e70369. doi:10.1002/ejp.70369
- Nielsen MK, Neergaard MA, Jensen AB, Bro F, Guldin MB. Do we need to change our understanding of anticipatory grief in caregivers? A systematic review of caregiver studies during end-of-life caregiving and bereavement. Clin Psychol Rev. 2016;44:75-93. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2016.01.002
- Nielsen MK, Neergaard MA, Jensen AB, Vedsted P, Bro F, Guldin MB. Predictors of complicated grief and depression in bereaved caregivers: a nationwide prospective cohort study. J Pain Symptom Manage. 2017;53(3):540-50. doi:10.1016/j.jpainsymman.2016.09.013
- Schulz R, Mendelsohn AB, Haley WE, Mahoney D, Allen RS, Zhang S, et al. End-of-life care and the effects of bereavement on family caregivers of persons with dementia. N Engl J Med. 2003;349(20):1936-42. doi:10.1056/NEJMsa035373
- Stroebe M, Schut H. The dual process model of coping with bereavement: rationale and description. Death Stud. 1999;23(3):197-224. doi:10.1080/074811899201046
- Kim JW, Oh JW, Kim BM, Choi JE, Kwon CY. Distinct trajectories of emotional distress and physical health among informal dementia caregivers surrounding bereavement: a systematic review. BMC Psychol. 2026;14(1):337. doi:10.1186/s40359-026-03963-2
- Stroebe M, Schut H, Boerner K. Cautioning health-care professionals: bereaved persons are misguided through the stages of grief. Omega (Westport). 2017;74(4):455-73. doi:10.1177/0030222817691870
- Çınaroğlu M, Yılmazer E, Ülker SV, Çinar F. Effects of Ericksonian hypnotherapy versus cognitive behavioral therapy on prolonged grief among university students: a randomized clinical trial. Int J Clin Exp Hypn. 2026;74(1):93-120. doi:10.1080/00207144.2025.2464747
- healthdirect Australia. Grief and loss [Internet]. Canberra: Australian Government; 2026 [cited 2026 Sep 25]. healthdirect.gov.au
- Griefline. Nationwide telephone support [Internet]. [cited 2026 Sep 25]. griefline.org.au
Related
- Coping with griefThe grief section, and four sessions for after a loss.
- Dealing with the Death of a ParentIf a mum or dad has now died.
- Death Of A PartnerIf it was your husband, wife or partner.
- Waking in the NightIf the phone by the bed has you awake at three.
Ernest McLeod — clinical hypnotherapist. An Adelaide practice, seeing clients across Australia by video. Fourteen years in practice.
- ICHP
- FELLOW, ASCH
- IICT MEMBER
No recording on this page is about anticipatory grief, and I would rather you knew that before reading about either one. My part was choosing the two that come closest, and describing them as what they are. More →
One small thing this week, whatever you decide about a recording: ask the treating team what the next month is likely to look like, and write the answer down.
Results vary from person to person, and hypnosis does not replace medical care or treatment. These are self-help audio sessions, not a treatment for grief, and neither session sold here is about anticipatory grief. If you have thoughts of not wanting to be here: Lifeline 13 11 14, Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467; in danger, 000. Griefline (1300 845 745) is not a crisis line. Never listen while driving.